Starling Grief Tending Circle

Pilot Project Evaluation – 14th November 2025

“Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.” – David Kessler

Background

A pilot grief tending circle was created in collaboration with local residents Jane Banks and Marina Sanchez, Paul Higgins, Reach and Connect, and Debra Mendes, Hornsey Vale Community Association(HVCA) . This paper seeks to share the outcomes of the pilot, with observations, learnings and recommendations for future gatherings of this nature.

Jane and Marina were introduced to each other by Paul Higgins (Reach and Connect) on the first meeting of the establishment of a Haringey Grief Network on the 25 June 2025. Following this meeting Jane and Marina agreed to collaborate on a grief tending circle (GTC) idea and to this end they met throughout July and August to establish the way forward. Paul, made an introduction to Debra Mendes, Chair of HVCA who was very supportive of HVCA providing a room and refreshments for free, hosting the GTC. Administration in support of the delivery of the activity was also supported by HVCA, including promotion of the circle via website, newsletter and email.

Jane and Marina met with HVCA and Reach and Connect, twice to further refine the parameters of the pilot project before launching on the 10 September 2025. Paul was supportive throughout and was willing to meet whenever input, advice and perspective was needed. Both HVCA and Reach and Connect agreed to refer people to the GTC, from their respective communities.

Referrals

Reach & Connect: 3

HVCA: 2

Self-referrals: 2

Jane and Marina Referrals 2

No waiting list was necessary

Nine participants of the GTC up till penultimate week 15 Oct 2025 were all emailed for their feedback, and four participants replied. Two more completed the questionnaire on the final day.

(2 participants were referred but did not attend at all).

Preparation

Jane, Marina and Paul completed the foundation training as a Death Doula with Living Well Dying Well, earlier in the year. This training informed Jane, Marina, and Paul’s desire to establish grief and loss support in a peer-to-peer GTC which was non- hierarchical and based on a non-medical model. Jane, having been introduced to the work of Francis Weller and having researched models in Germany, Canada and the UK, was keen to establish a community based model of grief tending. An open forum Grief Circle format was adopted which provides a space for anything that participants bring on the day.

A broad outline of the circle was that after introducing ourselves to those present, we went through notices regarding the centre and what to do in case of fire etc.

Each session included a group agreement read and adopted at the each of every circle, which outlined the responsibilities of those present.

Mindfulness was facilitated at the beginning and the end of the circle and we provided a ritual to open and close the circle. A poem was used as a prompt to start the sharing and reflection which took place over one hour and fifteen minutes.

At the end of each circle participants were encouraged to share one thing they were going to do to take care of themselves for the following week.

Participants were made aware that if they needed further resources or support, Marina and Jane would assist them with this.

Key Findings & Observations

1. These circles provide maximum benefit for minimum outlay. (See Appendix 3)

2. The structure of the circle we created showed that it was a successful model for holding the range of themes that participants brought to the circle on the day, even when we didn’t know for sure who might turn up and with what subject. (See Appendix 1)

3. While there was some refinement of the running of the GTC with each session, the actual model that was created was sound.

4. It was recognised that grief is unique to each person and how it manifests and within what time frame. It is therefore, difficult to quantify the success of the GTC by the number of participants that attended.

5. On arrival in one session, a participant shared “I’m better” which was so rewarding as our circle has contributed to them feeling more able to cope with grief.

6. On leaving the 3rd session, so many wanted a hug and were so grateful and complimentary of the circle. A reflection of the safety of the container created.

7. At the end of her first session, one participant talked about everyone coming to her house for tea for example, feeling immediately as those friendships were being established which is the intention of circles such as these.

8. When there is just one participant in the room (meaning three people in attendance including Jane and Marina) grief tending is possible and fruitful.

9. There is a high degree of vulnerability in the room and courageous sharing. Authenticity is present.

10. It is evident from the participation at every circle, that it is having an impact positively in the lives of those who attend. (See participant feedback)

11. While Jane and Marina have never worked together previously, they felt they made a great team.

12. Some people may have come once and have got enough from the process, others may have needed a few times and then they felt more resourced and a mixture of other human responses. It is impossible to know.

13. Such conversations only occur in spaces that are welcoming, non-judgmental, and supportive of everyone’s experience.

14. The experiences shared and the conversations that occurred as a result would otherwise have remained unspoken because of not having someone who is receptive or the appropriate space at the appropriate time. In other words, these conversations and experiences may have remained unspoken without a safe, receptive and caring environment.

15. It is a radical, brave and subversive act to initiate conversations about grief and death and share our own vulnerability and experiences of grief and loss when most people don’t have a language for these conversations. Furthermore, society encourages our silence and ‘moving on’. In our experience, it is better to support someone in need with active listening, compassion and empathy.

16. These conversations would not happen unless there is a space provided that is welcoming non-judgemental and supportive of each persons experience. The sharing that took place would have remained unspoken because of not having a receptive present and caring group.

Participant Feedback

‘Communal grieving offers something that we cannot get when we grieve by ourselves. Through validation, acknowledgement and witnessing, communal grieving allows us to experience a level of healing that is deeply and profoundly freeing.” Sobonfu Somé

A questionnaire with the following questions was sent to those who had attended a circle with the following responses received.

1. How did you hear about the group?

• I think I found out about this from Hornsey Library, where I saw a flyer.
• I had been searching for grief help since a few weeks, but to no avail, so was glad to come across it as the first one.
• Via Hornsey Vale Community Centre
• Debra
• Through meeting Jane at the North London Hospice bereavement training

2. What did you find most useful?

• I learnt a few new things, e.g.: role of a death doula and associated courses; what can happen during the time before death, and at the actual time of death. I wish I had known that certain things could possibly happen, before observing it for myself, so information on a handout would be good. Eg: death rattle, suddenly opening eyes at the end etc.
• Listening to everyone’s story
• Facilitators created safe, nurturing, welcoming human space
• Sharing, community, learning, being met, acknowledgement of what I said, not just others listening. ie: someone referencing or speaking to something.
• Loved the chance to share subjects that aren’t welcome in ordinary company

3. What did you find least useful?

• Silence. Awkwardness
• Didn’t get reminders about the sessions every week
• Needing more email communication about when it was on and the dates etc
• All of it was wonderful

4. Anything else you would like to share with Jane and Marina?

• Talking and being heard by other bereaved people helps tremendously, and I am so grateful to everyone who organises such events. Thank you.
• Lovely ladies leading but I prefer more leading questions. I think the setting would be better sitting at tables to feel more informal. The group in Walthamstow meet in a café that is private. It felt more comfortable. They also have grief walks.
• Thank you for providing such a safe space. Sense of equality and meet you were you are.
• Please let me know of any further work or other work
• Please let me know how I could help continue the grief tending circle

Participants’ Quotes

“This circle provides such valuable insights and connections.”

“A sense of joy and lightness after sharing and being in different space from arriving.”

Recommendations for the delivery of circles in future

1. Attention to more proactive planning of publicity and marketing, including social media & Eventbrite, at the earliest possible time, would provide a greater level of awareness to ensure the maximum number of participants.

2. Advertise in places where particular groups may congregate, such as hospitals, churches, or funeral homes and other support groups.

3. Send a weekly email reminder of the next GTC to participants who have signed up

4. Check all those who have signed up are emailed and/or we have their email address.

5. The GTC would ideally convene at a date and time that does not compete with other activities, like Artful Codgers, etc

6. The change of room from the one originally suggested was appropriate as MR1 is better for confidentiality.

7. The consistency of sessions as consecutive is important to maintain momentum and full participation. The one week break half-way through the pilot project seemed to adversely affect attendance of participants.

8. Mental health resources for reference as handouts made available for participants.

9. A written disclaimer to be signed by participants at the beginning of each circle to include sign posting of immediate support for people in crisis in Haringey and Nationwide.

Reflections

Having delivered a 6-week series, on reflection, it may be more beneficial to increase this from 6 weeks to 8 weeks to ensure maximum benefit of the consistency and the establishment of community, and increased coping skills.

That said, in order to try and offer this service to as many people as possible, would this kind of activity best be delivered as a drop in rather than a 6 – 8 week programme, where participants are requested to commit a number of weeks? It is unclear at this stage.

To ensure appropriate safe-guarding there needs to be two facilitators at each circle. If there are enough people participating and rapport established, one or other of those present, could be invited to step forward to assist in the absence of one or other of the facilitators.

Would a different time of day (not lunch time) make a difference to the participation rate. A recommendation to trial different times of the day.

Acknowledgements

This pilot project would not have been possible without the vision, support and initiative of Paul Higgins, (Reach & Connect) and Debra Mendes (Chair HVCA).

We are also very grateful to Laura McCarthy-South, Centre Manager, and Sara Marinoni, Centre Assistant, at HVCA for their willingness and kindness and admin support for duration of the GTC pilot project.

Appendix 1

Themes presented and explored

1. There were different griefs & losses shared: a partner’s death through suicide; a sibling’s death; a parent’s death; a parent’s life support being turned off during Covid; the experience of extended temporary accommodation, lack of safety and harassment as an older person.

2. Remembering the dead through memorialising them: through making a framed display of photos and tokens and significant events and memories related to them, keeping their belongings in place rather than disposing of them urgently.

3. When it is appropriate to let go of the deceased’s ashes, mementoes and belongings and navigating that liminal space of not knowing.

4. The importance and comfort in bereavement of traditions, like the Greek and Irish, for marking the death of a loved regularly: at three and six months and then the first anniversary as well as the herbs and sweets used for those occasions which generally do not occur in other Western countries, unless a religious custom is followed, like in Judaism.

5. Remembering is a primary way of tending grief and we shared cultural traditions like the Mexican day of the Dead.

6. We revisited the dilemma of whether to keep items of the dead as a keepsakes, for many years, and also how important some people felt to keep a seemingly ordinary object that belonged to a loved one that has died.

7. How difficult it was to leave the home that someone had shared with their partner for over a decade and how making a ceremony when leaving marked their tending grief.

8. The sense of loss of the stories and family history that the dead take with them, unless they have shared them previously.

9. We also shared the regret and wishes for acceptance or better knowing us, as a son or daughter, and all the hopes and possibilities that go with the dead that somehow remained as long as they were alive.

10. The guilt of sharing about having a narcissistic parent was a theme that resonated with several participants as well as the relief to make it conscious in the group. We also shared about the uncomfortable experience of guilt associated with a sense of ‘speaking ill of the dead’ and the paradox of being respectful about the dead but also honouring our own personal experience.

11. Anticipatory grief also came up in terms of geographical distance from a loved one and their death as well as the anguish of not having made peace with them before they die. Or whether having made peace eases grief and loss.

12. The importance of community during and after a bereavement was a theme that resonated with many participants as essential support, especially in communities where people come together to support funeral arrangements and wakes.

13. There was also sharing about the awkwardness that some feel in not knowing what to say over the months following a bereavement and Western cultural assumptions about ‘moving on’ and getting over ‘someone’s death’. There was general agreement that it is a unique process for each individual and we all have a personal sense of time but if we cannot ensure self-care for a longer period of time, then seeking professional advice and support for depression would be appropriate.

14. The enduring power of love as a profound resource, comfort and support with the experiences of loss and grief. One new participant remarked: “The more you let go of things, the more you have”, and it is totally an individual choice and feeling of when it is right.

15. One new participant shared a beautiful Blake poem, Eternity.

16. While death and grieving have been the most common thread, there was also the theme from an older participant of not knowing how a parent felt about us, especially if they had died when we were too young to remember. This situation invited the theme of how some chose to deal with grieving by shutting it out of their lives and their families completely by refusing to ever mention the deceased. This theme in turn touched on loss of identity and uncertainty when the remaining parent is strong, which can then repeat with a partner.

17. In the last session we talked about how it is a radical, brave and subversive act to initiate conversations about grief and death and share our own vulnerability and experiences of grief and loss when people may not have a language for these conversations and society encourages our silence and ‘moving on’. It is better to support someone in need with active listening, compassion and empathy.

18. We explored the mystery of death and how hard it is to understand it.

19. Grief after being made redundant also came up.

20. In each session, there have been tears and also much laughter and humour

Appendix 2

Attendance Starling Grief Tending Circle

10 September, launch of GTC

Four participants

17th September

Three participants

24 September

Seven Participants

8 October

One participant

14 October

One participant

22 October

Two participants

Appendix 3

Benefits of Grief Tending Circles

Community cohesion

At a time when the world is riven by division, polarity and strong emotions, it is a strength of the Starling model that we have created a container that allows complete strangers to come together and share their vulnerability, innermost thoughts, experiences and feelings in a safe, welcoming and caring community setting. This group is also a credit to both Paul, (Reach & Connect), and Debra, (Chair HVCA), in supporting this initiative that would not exist without their vision, willingness and support.

What grief circles provide

Research into grief support groups, including “grief tending circles,” suggests a variety of benefits, although quantitative evidence from large-scale, methodologically robust studies is limited. Most evidence comes from smaller studies and qualitative reports from participants, who often describe the experience as positive.

“Grief tending circles” are a specific type of group support that incorporate ritual, creative expression, and connection with nature, which differentiates them from standard bereavement counselling groups.

Grief tending is flourishing, link to study: Love and Loss UK – Grief Tending is Flourishing

“We believe Grief Tending in community to be a low-cost, high impact intervention to improve mental wellbeing of those impacted by bereavement, loss, past trauma, stress, and life changes.”

Benefits of GTC

• Normalise grief
• Provide critical support
• Emotional expression and release
• Grief education
• Offer hope
• Connection to community
• Embodied practice
• Develop emotional intelligence
• Growth and resilience
• Counteracting cultural avoidance
• Somatic and nervous system support
• Transformative power of feeling more a part of the web of life
• A supportive space that offers no fixes to bereavement, loss, heartbreak, disconnection, overwhelm
• Compatible with counselling or other individual support
• Reduce isolation
• Build trust
• Provide clarity about our priorities so that we can move forward together
• Compassionate patience and caring love
• Acknowledgement of pain through nurturing a conscious and curious relationship with grief Encouraging curiosity and reflection on grief
• Develop compassion
• Mutually supportive
• Finding solace through sharing and listening
• Process acceptance of uncomfortable emotions
• Strengthening and creating new community connections.
• Supporting well-being across all areas: physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels.
• Preventing isolation and mental health issues, that in some cases, can lead to suicide.

Jane Banks and Marina Sánchez, 14 November 2025